Goodbye.

I cannot shake these final images of you in my brain. Sleeping in the park, with the family dog, holding my picture close.

So eloquent. So tragic. So heart breaking.

Years of anger and hate that forced me to forget what once was. Now I know you were still alive. The disease took your mind but it didn't take your soul. I know you still cared. That some part of you was still the father I knew.

The father I watched Star Wars with every weekend. Replaying from start to finish. Over and over. Jedis. Lightsabers. Darth Vader. A galaxy far, far away. Just like Darth Vader: you were still human in the end.

This was our bond. John Wayne movies. Rio Bravo. The Duke. Going to the theater when every new movie came out. Eating popcorn, Dip n Dots and laughing at Jim Carey scenes.

You were the one that taught me how to throw my first punch. Put your weight into it, you said. Learn how to curve your arm to deliver the blow. Defend yourself like any little girl should know. Every dad's job to teach his little girl that she needs to be tough. Come on, hit me in the stomach, show me that right hook.

These memories of my childhood when you were my hero. Family trips. Disneyland, Las Vegas. Riding the Indiana Jones ride over and over until we couldn't stand straight. Getting up at 4am to beat the crowds. There we were, in the front of the line, waiting for our turn. Circus Circus. The arcade. You beat that trick game, landing the ring right on top of the bottle. Driving back to Colorado, with a 5 foot stuffed St. Bernard in the backseat.

And then the darkness came. The disease took over your brain and your heart. It turned you into a monster I did not recognize. I could not understand where my father went. Who was this person so belligerent and cruel? Where did the real person go? It is easier to feel hate.

But now I know that's not how I really felt. Love and hate are not so different after all. You have to love to truly hate.

Maybe I didn't hate you, not really. Maybe I hated the addiction you gave your life to. You chose alcohol over your daughter, your wife, your family. There's no going back from such a terrible choice. You let the beast of addiction consume yourself until you were no longer the good person you once were. Or perhaps the beast took away your choice at the end.

These final images in my mind. I never wanted this. I never wanted this final ending. So final, so abrupt, so sudden, so much suffering. No time for final words, words of anger or of love, no time for anything. You are just gone.

At least in the end, I know you still cared. That you took my picture out, in these times of dark despair, to remember what once was. At least your humanity remained. Just like Darth Vader. In the end, you were still my father.

My memories are black and white. Happiness and pain. But for the sake of our bond, before the addiction took you away from us, I will remember you how you were before. Denver Broncos, Metallica. Star Wars. The coolest dad any kid could have.

Rest in eternal peace. You are free now.

Spawn

They say a mother’s love is eternal.
But how will it survive fire?
This dark head pierced with glowing eyes,
He slithered out of the womb.

I offer him a supple breast,
His nose only smells the blood.
Try to ignore his terrifying face,
A whisper to send him back to Hell.

Those cunning ears swivel around.
Sweat beads down—exposing fear.
Lips curving into a macabre smile.
My throat begins constricting.

To pacify this Devil’s minion,
I offer him a supple breast.
His mouth becomes an ebony circle,
As his teeth tear off the tit.

Peach

Who can deny the taste?
Succulent strawberries dripping chocolate.
I cannot deny such a flavor,
dripping down my throat.

They say that we are lost here,
but I feel found near the ivy.
Rows upon rows of twining fruit.
I snatch up an apple for a crisp bite.

Sweet juices of natural crunch,
forbidden taste moist on my tongue.
They could catch me here today,
but there is no fear in my palms.

No one can refuse these delicacies.
So supple, bright, and round.
I let my tongue linger on the fuzz,
As I bite into her swollen peach.

Cobra

The feeling of fire on my flesh,

Licking the pigments raw and bloody.

The forked tongue of scalding desire,

Scrapping deep into the ivory bone.

Like a creeping spider in my bed,

This nightmare of redemption brought forth.

Talons curling around limp fingers,

Pulling them deeper into the abyss.

He is a whisper in the shadows,

He has the presence of a cobra.

Slithering into open windows,

Penetrating our dreams.

The River

It came with force

Blackness enveloping sight

Scraping the flesh

Sun molding into night

Sand scraping eyes

Lids stuck wide open

A voice glimmers

Someone has spoken!

He shined like a God

Hands grip hair

Warmth beams inside

Mouth sucking air

Yin and Yang: Haiku

Nails on flesh

Her sighs of ecstasy

Cutting the bone

Smile of gold

He embraced her flesh

Ecstasy of light

Wings take flight

Flying through crisp autumn

Wind on her face

Feet crunch bones

Sprinkling the dust of death

Wings lay broken

Bell tolls loud

His time is running out

Murder of God

Kneeling to pray

He kept faith close to him

False purity

False God

He spent his whole life kneeling,

before a God with no healing.

He devoted his life to the light,

without experiencing the night.

Justice never came from the sky,

he began doubting the reasons why.

Empty prayers up to Heaven,

started signaling his aggression.

One day he took the book,

and cast it aside without one look.

This fruitless God became a liar,

screaming he lit the church on fire.